13 Things Men Should Never Say to a Woman

1. "Men are more rational, and women are more emotional." And cats like the color red, and dogs will only listen to Jason Derulo, and that ficus bush is your cousin. Oh, I thought we were making nonsense statements.

2. "Women can’t drive." We don’t have, like, giant tampons for heads. Don’t be a moron.

3. "You’re funny/smart for a girl." OMG thank you! I hope to rise above the ranks and someday be considered smart for a human, but this is a great honor.

4. "Girls all want to marry rich." Some girls want to marry rich. Other girls want to marry the person they love, whether s/he is rich or poor or an alien who uses peacock feathers as currency. And other girls don’t want to get married! So like, that’s how that works.

5. "I don’t get why women love assholes." Yeah, actually, that whole thing where you pretend to be a dick to make women like you will only work on women who don’t like themselves. And that’s doomed to fail, really.

6. "Women don’t like nice guys." See above, and no, we’re not nuts about self-proclaimed “Nice Guys” who sit around acting butthurt that no girls like them. You’re not entitled to sex just because you held the door for a woman.

7. "You’re secretly just waiting to quit work and be a housewife, aren’t you?" Nope, but even if I was, there’d be nothing wrong with it. Being a housewife with kids is work.

8. "[X] is a slut."


9. "[X] seems like a bitch." Why? Because she’s independent, outspoken and runs shit? Hillary Clinton doesn’t seem like a bitch, or “sexless,” which I commonly hear men say about her. Just because she busts balls doesn't mean she doesn't like them.

10. ”Girls are crazy!" Nope, pretty sure that’s just them being smarter than you.

11. "You’re not like other women, you’re cool." I know you’re trying to compliment me, but saying that I’m the super-chill “loophole” in an otherwise-lame gender is offensive to me as a woman who loves women.

12. "Calm down." I ... I can’t.

13. "You look great for your age." Am I supposed to look like Grandmother Willow? I am so glad that my bark is more supple than you expected. I maintain my youth by bathing in the blood of offensive, clueless men.